So you want long nails, naturally.

Maybe one day I’ll get a real camera instead of using my kids’ iPod.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve wanted long nails since I was old enough to realize that long nails symbolized two things: femininity, and beauty. Neither of which I possessed until around my 20’s. Disney seemed to nail that image into my brain, as all of their princesses were always drawn with long slender fingers, the tips being slightly slightly pointed, indicating long nails. I’m not going to bring up the perfect hourglass figures or the long, thick, flowing hair most of them had.

Not that I blame them for my self image. Entirely. Either case, I came to respect a certain feminine beauty that long nails portrayed, and I wanted that.

Now that I am approaching my thirties, I typically have long, healthy nails.

Yes, those are my hands. Not to brag, but I’m letting it show. Believe it or not, I get a lot of comments about my nails. Are they natural? How do you get them to stay long? How do you keep them from breaking? Etc.

Your nails, like most things of this nature, depend on two things: your genetics, and your habits. Your genetics can only take you so far in regard to your nails. They’re either brittle or strong, thick or thin, not a whole lot you can do about it. Personally, I think thick and strong nails would be a bit of a pain. Mine are on the thin side, making them very bendy, which has saved me from a lot of breaks.

Your habits are a whole other ballgame, though. Most people tend to go through life grabbing at things with their finger tips. As if that’s not enough, we’re not conscious of how many chemicals we put on our hands, how much we chew on our nails, how wet we get them on a daily basis, or how many times we jam our fingers into things.

You want long, strong nails naturally? Your nails are a product of how you live your life. You want to change your nails, change little things in your life.

Step #1: Try to imagine that your nails are freshly painted. All the time. This will do two things: one, it will train you to avoid bumping your finger tips into things. And two: it will train you to start interacting with your world with the pads of your fingers (or even the knuckle below them), as opposed to your finger tips.

Step #2: Realize that every bit of stress you put on your nail will cause cracks, weaken it, or just plain break it. If you use your nails to scratch your back, button your jeans, open bottles, you name it, you’re applying stress to the chitin (the stuff that makes up nails) and weakening them. Most of us who have long nails use the sides of our fingers for things that most of you stubby-nailed people use your nails for. When all else fails, there’s always a screwdriver to open that shampoo bottle. Do not use your nails for anything until you get used to having them. Then you will have the long journey of finding out how much abuse they can take. This took me a few years.

Step #3: File those suckers down. A lot. I know this sounds counter productive to what you’re trying to accomplish. File your nails off to have long nails? Listen up, ye of little faith, obviously you don’t know how to function with long nails, so let’s start you off with well-groomed short ones. Little steps. The first thing you have to do is file them all to the same length. I’m in love with my nail file block for this task. They have all sorts of different looks, but here is the general idea:

Each side has a different coarseness to it. The extremely rough, sandpaper-like side will shape that nail down very quickly with little effort. Then choose a lighter grit side of the block to soften the filed edge and make it smooth. Learn it, love it, use it. Keep those nails all the same length and well groomed. Do not let gunk get under them. I’m willing to bet that most of us who have long nails are very particular about getting our hands dirty. I need dish gloves to do dishes because I cannot stand getting my hands dirty (oh and sand, playdough, hand-mixing batters and meats, no thank you to those as well). Stuff gets under my nails and it’s damn near an OCD meltdown for me to deal with that.

Step #4: Push your cuticles back. I’m not really sure if this helps or not, but I do it and it makes my nails look nice and healthy, and I don’t get those strips of skin coming off of my nail. Like in that Natalie Portman Swan movie. That shit gave me goosebumps.

What’s a cuticle?

That very thin bit of skin that grows out of the bed of your nail, right on top of the nail. If you have nails already then pushing it back is a cinch. If not, you can get any sort of object that works. Do it in the shower, after you’ve been in there for a bit to soften up the skin. Tadaa, pretty.

Step #5: Try to forget about your nails. Sounds silly, right? Stop picking and biting at your nails. Never ever bite. Never rip, never push or pull at that break. Don’t fidget with them. Saliva weakens your nails, don’t stick them in your mouth, no matter how neat they feel on your tongue. Nail polish makes them brittle, don’t paint unless you have to. And last of all, Muphy’s law: the more you love them the more often they are to break. Had to throw that out there.

Okay, are we peachy-keen on how to grow nails? Do we get it? Sure, you can try supplements and oils and cuticle massages and blah blah blah. All of that surely must be easier than just learning how to touch things a little different and keeping our hands groomed, right? Or you can do what I do and just kind of forget that they’re there, then grumble when the time approaches to file them back down. Such is now, as the keyboard is fighting my nails.

Damn keyboard.

-Mwah